So I’m sitting in front of my laptop, face mask on, six pack of corona by my bedside, willing myself not to cry. I would say overall 2016 was my best year yet. Not because everything went right or came easy, because that would for sure be a lie…But because I seemed to overcome mostly every major obstacle put in my way. That alone is a blessing that I don’t take for granted.
But once again I’m faced with another obstacle and another painful task of figuring sh*t out. I, for one, am tired of figuring sh*t out. For once I want to have things just flow right for me for at least 30 days straight. It’s always something.
Make one thing work, something else gets broken.
Solve one problem, another one occurs.
And we are taught to just keep going. To just push through. To ignore the negatives and focus on the positives. And I get it. It’s important to not dwell on everything that’s going wrong in your life because it can lead you down a deep rabbit hole that even bugs bunny couldn’t get out of. I know from experience…But sometimes…Sometimes you have to pay attention…Because ignoring, and pushing it away, and pretending its not real or that it will just pass…. can haunt you just as well.
When I first heard Cranes in the Sky I cried. Shit, I’m not even listening to it right now and my eyes are watering just recalling the lyrics because they are so real, so honest, such a play by play of everything I’ve been doing my whole life, that it made me sick.
I went through a period of where I cut the people off closest to me because I was unsure of a lot. My vow of celibacy came about during a time where I felt like I had no control over my life, and the one thing I could control was whether I was sexing or not. So I stopped.
I drowned my self in books to escape thinking about my own issues and to disconnect myself from the outside world. Kindle unlimited had just recently came out so there was no reason for any human contact besides who I was living with.
I moved state to state a total of three times in a two year span. In between all of that, found out my father had a brain tumor. Doctors removed that. Months later found out he had a cyst growing on his optic nerve, that could potentially make him blind if not removed correctly and swiftly. They removed that.
Broke my first vow celibacy searching for a good feeling from somebody who I KNEW for a fact couldn’t do anything but make me feel worse. And it happened. He killed whatever I had left in me. Like demolished. Then I became celibate again to take back what I had willingly given away…
Following that, I got my dream job and I knew that was all God …I hadn’t even applied for it…The lady found my resume and emailed me….I don’t even know what made me check my email that day…But I did…That cheered me up a bit but it didn’t last. Some more stuff happened but I won’t go deep into it because that’s not the point of this post… Through it all…I just kept going…the best way I could…Smile… Pretend everything is okay because I was told eventually it would be…Bottom line: I was trying to do everything in my power to ignore or mask the underlying issue…
Anyway…I got over it …..Or rather… I did what we as strong black women tend to do… Cry for a little, give ourselves a pep talk, and make it happen. It’s commendable. Its down right a work of will power how we can still feel like crap but live like nothing is wrong… till we decide to be honest with ourselves for an hour or two and breakdown. We do it so much that it’s expected of us…That if we show one moment of weakness, we are pitied…And no one wants to be pitied…. But is it healthy? I doubt it…
I believe in God. I believe in Prayer. But I also believe in Therapy….
I’ve recently just found out that my father tumor is back and before I go sliding down an emotional mud-slide, I’m going to find some one to talk to and deal with my shit. Because I wasn’t me those years back, and while I “moved past it”, sometimes I’m not me now.
I don’t know what Solange intent was when she wrote Cranes in The Sky 8 years ago, but I’m grateful. Forever grateful….
The phrase, You can run…But you can’t hide…Is. Indeed. Real…….From life and especially Not from yourself…